Meeting Life. A prearranged interview

[I need to explain this properly because I am not even sure that I fully understand what has happened here. Jo left my apartment an hour ago. Since then the post has arrived. In the post was a postcard from Jo. On one side it had a lovely picture of a golden sand beach, the other side read;

JT,

I promised you a meeting with Life and I will deliver. On the day that you receive this card, go to The Fisherman’s Cafe at the end of your road at 1300. We will be waiting. Lunch is on you.

Jo

How does any of that make sense? Before you ask, I saw the postman deliver the postcard. So that means that Jo posted it before she was here and before we spoke about organising an interview with Life. I’m wondering if this is a prank or not.

It’s 1250.

OK. I’m going.]

--

[I have never stepped into The Fisherman’s Café before. I have always walked past it. I have no idea why there even is a “Fisherman’s” café so far from the sea.

Inside there are plastic seats behind plastic tables under plastic tablecloths. A plastic brown bottle and a plastic red bottle are on every table alongside the salt, pepper and vinegar. I know just by looking that if the salt is turned over it will all stay in one lump in the bottom of the shaker. Behind the counter there is a lady working, at an estimate she is a couple of years younger than me. She looks like she has an attitude. I smile at her; she does not smile back. Contempt fills her eyes.

Out of the six tables only one is occupied. Jo sits with a man of undeterminable age.]

Hi.

Hi. I’m Life you must be-

JT.

I was about to say that. Hi JT, I’m Life.

You already said that.

I said part of it but you keep interrupting me, Jo. Hi JT, I’m Life. This is a really cool place, so authentic.

[The guy is bouncing all over the place, his energy level is intimidating]

I’ve never been in here before.

Wow!!! Really??? Wow!!! And still you decided to choose this place for us to meet. Amazing. I love you author guys, so creative, so energetic, so go getting and dare daring. LOVE IT!!!

Jo suggested this place.

[Jo shoots me a very unpleasant look.]

You did? And you were going to let JT take all the credit. Amazing. You know you spend perpetuity with three people, two of whom are your sisters and one the other is your greatest friend and protégé. You think you know them then POOF! They do something like this and totally surprise you. Amazing.

[Suddenly Life stops talking. Am I supposed to reply? Has he asked a question? I take a quick glance at Jo; she looks away from me]

Y-

I remember now. We were at dinner and Jo was wearing a tuxedo and I said, I’ve never seen you in a tuxedo before and she said… I don’t remember what she said but it was funny. We were drinking Marlo

[again he just stops, Jo continues to look away]

Do you mean Merlot?

Merlot? I don’t think that was what she said.

No I mean-

You didn’t mean anything forget that thought.

[Jo waves at the lady behind the counter, I look over my shoulder to witness the most sarcastically over the top eye roll I have ever seen. Jo clearly swears under her breath.]

Jo that is very rude interrupting our friend JT like that. Were you at this dinner?

Me?

Yes. Do you remember what Jo said?

No. I wasn’t at the dinner, at least I don’t think I was.

Oh. It’s funny because it was the first time I ever saw Jo in a tuxedo. Do you remember Jo? You were in a tuxedo.

No. I’m going to get a menu.

I’m hungry. What type of food do you think they have here?

I don’t know.

I like fried food. Doesn’t matter what, fry it and I try it. That’s what I say. Fry it and I try it. I once fried fish, it was delicious. I also fried an onion once, that was also delicious. Cheese, also delicious, as was bread, and rice, and onion, wait I said onion already.

[all I can do is nod along, the man is a whirlwind of loose thoughts.]

Oh, and I once fried turkey. Delicious! What is the best thing that you have fried? What do you like to fry JT?

[Jo sits back down with us, she hands out three plastic menu cards. I realise that Life is looking at me awaiting his answer.]

An egg?

An egg!!! AN EGG!!! I never thought of frying an egg before. Oh wow. That’s what I’m going to have. A fried egg!!! Jo, do they have fried eggs on the menu?

Yes. In a roll.

In a roll! Oh wow. Is that good JT? Or should I just have the fried egg?

[I nod dumbly] In a roll is good.

What type of egg is it?

Doesn’t say.

JT, what type of egg do you think it will be?

Umm… Chicken…

CHICKEN!!! NO WAY. I have never ever had a chicken egg before. Crazy! I’ve had Adder, Duck Phlenux, Ornithorhynchidae, Turtle, Tortoise, Cow-

Cow’s don’t lay eggs

Are you sure? I’m fairly sure that I had a cow egg before, it was square and purple. Inside was a white juice, it was kind of sweet.

[I look at Jo for support, she continues to look at her menu card, ignore everything else. Life sees me looking at Jo, he starts hassling her]

Come on Jo pick what you want. I want a fried egg. Come on come on come on.

[Life is bouncing up and down in his chair, shaking Jo’s arm so much that she can’t read the menu. She is visibly infuriated by this]

I can’t read the menu when you do that. Thank you.

Come on let’s order. I can’t wait for this fried egg that JT has told us all about. A Chicken egg, can you believe it?

[Jo signals at the lady that we are ready to order, by watching her reaction I can see that the lady behind the counter is not complying. Life suddenly stands up]

Hi. Can we order please? Thank you.

[The lady arrives at the table but remains mute.]

Hi there Chrissy. That’s a pretty name. I read it on your name badge. I knew a Christopher; he wrote lots of really good plays but people think someone else wrote them. Do you write plays Chrissy?

[Chrissy does not react. The look of contempt remains painted on her face.]

I’m sorry Chrissy. You’re not here to chit chat, you have a job to do. One of the most important jobs there is. My friend here, JT, recommends that I try a fried chicken egg. May I have a fried chicken egg please.

How do you want it?

How do I want it? I don’t know how can I have it? JT how should we have our eggs?

Umm… sunny side up?

[I reply unconvincingly, it’s like steak, right? Always say medium rare, no one knows what it means but everyone knows it is the right option. From Chrissy’s look I have a feeling that I have just made a decision that she will personally make sure that I regret.]

Perfect! Three sunny side up fried chicken egg rolls.

Not for me thank you. Could I have-

Booooooooo! Jo. Boooooooooo! Let’s celebrate our meeting with all of us trying fried chicken egg rolls.

No. I want-

A fried chicken egg roll!

No.

Sorry.

I will have-

A fried chicken egg roll!

[Life burst out laughing. Jo scowls. Chrissy remains unmoved.]

Whatever

YAY! Three fried chicken egg rolls Chrissy, sunny side up just as JT recommends.

[Chrissy leaves. I have a feeling she wants to mutilate me.]

Did I tell you that I was Jo’s mentor?

No. He wasn’t.

I was. When you first came to me. When you died the first time. I mentored her, taught her everything I knew. Then I told her how to find out the things that I had forgotten, we had such good times. I remember once we were at a dinner and Jo was wearing a tuxedo. I had never seen her wearing a tuxedo before. I told her this. It was very funny. Do you remember Jo?

[Jo folds her arms and remains quiet]

Hey, JT you’re an author, right? You should write a story about me. I have had some really amazing adventures. I remember once I was walking to the shops to buy milk. It was a Sunday. The weather was really hot. I walked all the way to the shop and then they didn’t have milk. But it was a hot day.

[how am I meant to respond to that?]

Oh, then there was another time when I was a tree and a cat sat in me. That was fun. The cat was orange. Do you think you could tell that story?

Ummm… I don’t know… maybe?

Please don’t humour him, it will only get worse.

Humour me? I have loads of jokes. Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Doctor?

I’m not going to say it.

Good.

Why not?

Because it is a TV program.

What is?

Doctor who.

Is it? Amazing!!! I did not know that. First the fried chicken egg roll sunny side up and now this. JT you are a fount of information. If I wasn’t Jo’s mentor, I think you would be a good mentor for her. Perhaps you can be my mentor?

You are not my mentor.

I was.

No, you weren’t.

You said I was. I mentored you for eons. We were a team. Remember we went to that dinner once and you wore a tuxedo, only it was the first time I saw you wearing a tuxedo and you said.

I’m done.

[Jo disappears]

I’m done. That is what she said. Hey JT thanks for playing your part. That was really fun. See you soon.

[Life disappears. Suddenly I am alone.]

Do you want the sandwiches to go?

[Chrissy is stood behind me]

What?

The sandwiches? They are on the house. This place has served its purpose I’m closing it down and putting it up for sale tomorrow.

What?

Come on JT. Don’t you recognise me? I’m Life, you were just sat here talking to me.

What?

[Chrissy sits down]

Look I like to wind Jo up. Its great fun. I had a bet that I could get her to leave before the food arrived.

What?

I bet myself that I could get Jo to leave here by being annoying and I won.

What?

You know what JT I don’t think I can help you understand. Here have this, they will be in contact.

[Chrissy hands me a bottle that says Marlo on it.]

Who will?

[Silence. I’m now all alone in the café.]